HS1's English Journal

Creative Writing – 9/9/14

Crouching down below the decking, I scrambled amongst the dirt, as I searched for my lost jar of coins. For the past nine months I had been searching for that jar, but up to that point my efforts came without fruits. As I haplessly dug into the soil, I heard the front door swing open and the distinct sound of footsteps on wood followed instantaneously. I scuttled over to the source of the noise, at which point dirt fell from the soles of the shoes that belonged to the figure above.

“We’ve got to tell someone!” A frantic voice, which I had deciphered as that of Billy, shouted towards a second figure.

“The kid’s dead, it ain’t nothing to us or to him.” The second voice, belonging to Charlie, reasoned. It was at this point that the anxiety kicked in, I became scared but I continued to listen.

 

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One response to “Creative Writing – 9/9/14”

  1. jnorth Avatar
    jnorth

    Hello Harry,

    This marks a good start to the year for you. I like your attention to detail and your vocabulary. More importantly, you build tension well.

    Target:
    Sometimes less is more. Look at your first sentence: ‘Crouching down below the decking, I scrambled amongst the dirt, as I searched for my lost jar of coins.’ There are three verbs here – one for each clause. I would drop one. In this instance, I might make it search as this is used in your next sentence. I would then think about how you might describe some actions that could be associated with those verbs.

    I’m pleased and you should be too.

    Do you mind if we share this with the group next week?

    Thanks,

    Mr North

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