Homework – Due 1/10/14

Crouched down below the decking, searching for my lost coins. My jar of coins had been lost for nearly a year at that point, but that was no deterrence in my hunt. The front door flung open. I rotated quickly, disorientating myself in the process. After finding my bearings, I realised someone was mid-sentence. I clambered over to the epicentre of the noise.

“…it ain’t nothing to him or to us. Just leave it.” The voice was that of Charlie. I moved directly underneath the figures, listening intently.

“We’ve got to tell someone!” Exclaimed the second figure. I had deciphered that this was the voice of Billy. I was unsure as to what they were talking about at this point, but as the argument progressed it became more and more clear.


Posted

in

by

Tags:

Comments

One response to “Homework – Due 1/10/14”

  1. jnorth Avatar
    jnorth

    Harry,

    Your selection of vocabulary here really helps to set an atmosphere of tension. Your insistent syntax helps the piece to flow, whilst also adding to the tense feelings of your character. This is a strong piece of work.

    Targets:
    Look at your first two sentences again – vary your vocabulary to avoid repetition.

    Consider using some simple sentence structures to help break the tension.

    Thanks,

    Mr North

React!